Master was angry. There was no other way to explain it. He had all but seen red when his submissive, Maeve, had eaten the cupcake in front of him during their weekly FaceTime conversation. He had wanted to reach through the camera and take her over his knee right there in the cafe. But they were over a thousand miles away from one another. He had no punishment set up that could impart the kind of displeasure he had experienced.

He knew she had been upset he had to change their plans so drastically. She had told him that she was unhappy in their texts from earlier that day. He could not visit her when he had planned, his family needed him. She understood, and yet she was beyond disappointed. She was already stressed. Her mental health had been suffering lately. Therapy on hold for a few weeks. Changes in her work, and family situation added to her stress. These had all pushed her past her tipping point. He had seen in her eyes the pain that was growing. This visit was to have given her the discipline she had desperately needed before she went over the edge to self harm. Taking that possibility of help away from her was just too much for her. She had gone over the edge and no amount of talking would help. She was lucky that the cafe was in her building and the elevator took her directly to her suite. She was safely there before the worst of the drop fully hit! He knew she had made it safely home. He knew she was simply acting out today. Her way of crying out for help from him. Behaving like a willful child… acting out with all the maturity of stomping her feet.

She was diabetic, and he had put her on a strict plan to manage her sugar intake. A small piece of chocolate here. A smidge of ice cream there. The occasional chocolate croissant with her coffee. The extra large dark chocolate cupcake with peanut butter filling and chocolate buttercream frosting was so far off that plan. He had seen it on the plate in front of her at the cute cafe she was meeting him at for their “lunch date”, where her usual croissant should have been. He questioned her about it after their initial hello. She told him what it was, and that she was planning to eat the whole thing. She proceeded to do just that in absolute defiance of their contract, and him.

He was astounded. Beyond angry. He was worried for her. Worried for what this meant to their future. How could he punish her given what he understood of her state. He had all but pushed her to it. Yet her behavior demanded a response. Before they got off the call he bade her to remove her collars. Both the day time necklace she wore as a sign of his love, and the leather strap she wore round her wrist. She was not to put them on herself again. He would replace them after he had calmed. Not until the punishment had been agreed upon, and meted out. Not until he could finally put hands on her in person. But more was needed now.

Oh, she had been remorseful the next day. After the sickness of the sugar high and painful low of cold sweats and violent shaking. She had cried to him. She had explained her willfully disobedient behavior and her stresses to him as if he did not already know the reasons she was so defiant. But she could not placate the anger of the beast that raged in his heart as he had watched her self harm instead of reaching out to him for guidance as she should have. He had to appease the beast somehow before it ate him up inside.

He knew she was working from home that week with no one else home. She had recently become an empty-nester on top of her other issues. Did he make her wear the largest plug for specific periods of time each day? Or wear the nipple clams she hated for several hours? Stop everything and bring herself to orgasm whenever he texted her code word for that? Cuff herself in position on her bed with a requirement to recite her mantra over and over for periods of time? Writing assignments. Cleaning chores. He could think of so many tortures. But none of them individually felt enough. Not when what he wanted was to shake her violently (asking why), spank her till neither of them could feel the pain (making her recite every reason what she did was wrong), and then hold her as she cried out all her anguish.

His shoulders are Broad and strong

He bears the weight of our world

For me

For us

 

Some days that weight, the world is too much for one man

Those days the sadness overtakes him

He pushes away the sun

There is nothing but despair

 

Even a strength such as he

Needs a break once in a while.

My Foundation

My Atlas

 

In these brief moments, I shine

Master needs the light to come from me

My calm

My strength

 

Laying his ear to my breast

my heart sounds out the soothing rhythm of my love

Feeds him calm

Nourishes his soul

 

Our balance is restored in my gift

The light breaks through the dark

The veil lifted

Sunrise

Alone in the darkness

My fears overwhelmed me

I let them envelope me

 

I should have shouted them away

Like I did my friends questions

Like I did with the images shared in social media land

 

Instead in the darkness and late at night

I gave in and opened my mouth to support

Instead the fear poured out

 

I tried to make the words stop.

Instead they flowed through my grasping fingers

So stupid. So selfish. So childish.

 

Alone in the darkness

I give in to the darkness

I am consumed by the darkness

I will lose all to the darkness

Please save me from the darkness

Unstable moments

I swim in a sea of emotion

 

Vacation ends

I am back to the reality of life

Emails begin

Requesting wording and decisions

Calls to be made

Contacts and meetings

 

Not ready I spiral in the maelstrom

Not wanting to give up the high

Not ready to come down to earth.

Not wanting responsibility

 

You have been with me all along

Grounding me

Balancing the high

Not stifling me

Supporting me

Not smothering

But tethering

 

Opportunity to be free

Experience growth

Be the butterfly I need to be

Expanding my knowledge and experience

Explore the world as scientist

Experience living in other patterns

Explore myself as I grow!

 

I often wonder if I am good for you.

Am I the rebound, the chrysalis

The shiny new experience that launches you on your own path to the butterfly you will be?

Your growth slowed by this powerful experience

Like a butterfly grounded in the storm

Not realising it is just the first step.

On your personal journey

 

When I first began

After the darkness began to lift.

He was part of that for me.

Telling me that I could be loved

 

Knowing that someone found me

Not the “perfect” or “right” someone

Someone beyond my norm

Teaching me to reach

To explore the possibilities

Reach beyond my expectations

 

Along the way we ebbed and flowed

Sometimes strongly attached

Sometimes not at all

A thin filament of connection

There to be strengthened when needed

Able to shrink too when needed

 

Will I be that for you

Will you outgrow me?

Or will we grow together.

Even from afar

 

Will we find that balance